At several points in life, you may have questions about your behaviours, habits, interests, and desires. You may ask yourself: “Am I normal?” “Is this normal?” “Is this a problem?” You may also have these questions about others in your life.
This is a normal part of self-reflection and a healthy way to cultivate awareness not only in yourself but also in your understanding of other people in your life. In some cases, you might have these questions about your sexual interests and behaviours, and those of others.
Whether you’re currently gathering more information for yourself, or you’re concerned about the safety and well-being of a loved one, we hope this article can provide some clarity on the question: “How do I know when sexual behaviour is problematic?”
Having Questions about Sexual Behaviour is Normal and Healthy
Sexual behaviours are often considered “taboo” or “inappropriate” to discuss in detail with others, and thus, you may be left wondering just what is “normal” when it comes to sex. This, in and of itself, is a normal process.
Many people will, at some point in their lives, have questions as to whether the sexual things they like, don’t like, do, and don’t do are normal and healthy. It’s a sign of growth and insight to question and reflect upon your own behaviours, sexual or otherwise. It means you are on the right track to better knowing yourself, fostering values that are more authentic and true to how you want to live life, and improving your ability to know when to seek help.
Signs of ‘Normal’ Sexual Behaviour
Human sexuality is a broad spectrum. Human beings engage in all kinds of sexual behaviours, with themselves, with others, through the Internet, and in the offline world. Understanding what’s considered “normal” can be a challenge, since there is so much diversity in the way humans behave sexually.
However, there are few key things that can help you understand if your or a loved one’s sexual behaviour is healthy. Knowing what’s not a problem can help you recognize behaviour that is a problem.
Regardless of your sexual orientation or your relationship status, there are a few common things that healthy sexual behaviours have in common:
- The behaviour is consensual. When you’re engaging in sexual behaviour, all parties involved have given their consent for what is taking place.
- The behaviour involves age-appropriate partners. That means that in the case of sexual activity with another person, both parties are of legal age to consent to sex. If the behaviour involves solo sexual behaviour, it means that whatever a person is viewing or fantasizing about also involves people that are of legal age.
- The behaviour is done in private, rather than in public.
- The behaviour does not cause you distress, such as prompting feelings of shame or guilt, or leaving you feeling anxious or depressed.
- The behaviour does not take up too much of your time or get in the way of other parts of your life. That means that you are still finding time and energy for the other important things and obligations in your life, aside from sex. This also means that you don’t often find yourself distracted by thoughts about sex.
- The behaviour is not causing distress for your sexual partner(s).
- You feel in control of the behaviour, rather than feeling that the behaviour controls you.
Signs Sexual Behaviour is Problematic
Sometimes, sexual behaviours do become problematic. Regardless of your sexual orientation or relationship status, these are common features of problematic sexual behaviours. If you recognize any of these signs either in yourself or in loved ones, it’s important to consider reaching out for professional assistance:
(1) The Behaviour is Non-Consensual
Consent is critical in any sexual activity as it establishes trust and connection between participants. It ensures that the activity is based on mutual respect, and both participants’ physical and emotional safety is prioritized. Without consent, sexual behaviour becomes abuse, and can violate the law.
Anytime a participant says ‘no’ to engaging in a sexual activity and the other participant ignores this boundary, this is considered non-consensual, and is therefore problematic and becomes abusive. This behaviour may also violate the law.
Additionally, when a ‘no’ is not given verbally, this does not mean that a ‘yes’ has been confirmed. Engaging in sexual behaviour without receiving clear, unambiguous consent is non-consensual and thus, problematic and abusive. Such behaviour may also violate the law.
(2) The Behaviour Involves Persons Too Young to Consent to Sex
The law determines the age at which people can legally consent to sex. Sexual behaviours that involve people below the legal age of consent are problematic and may violate the law. This includes adults engaging in sexual behaviour with minors, viewing or sharing sexualized images of minors, and older minors engaging in sexual contact with much younger minors.
(3) The Behaviour Involves a Significant Power Imbalance
Sexual behaviour where one person wields significant power over another person is problematic, as they make it hard (or even impossible) to know if both parties are actually consenting. They also increase the odds of abusive and controlling behaviour. In fact, depending on the situation, sexual behaviour in the context of certain power imbalances may also violate the law.
(4) Coercion or Force is Applied
Coercion is a form of manipulation used in order to gain someone’s compliance, despite their consent not being given. Coercion can be physical (e.g., physically forcing another person), or psychological (e.g., threatening someone, offering incentives or promises to get the person to comply).
For example, if one person is trying to coax the other into performing the sexual act when the other participant does not want to engage, this is coercion. Coercion inherently involves a lack of consent on the part of the person being coerced, and thus is problematic and abusive. Coercing another into sex may also violate the law.
(5) The Behaviour Disrupts Daily Living
As noted earlier, if your or a loved one’s sexual behaviours are not breaking the law, not causing harm, and aren’t interfering with yours and/or their ability to meet the demands of everyday life (such as going to work on time, being present with others, getting a good night’s rest, etc.), then it’s likely not problematic.
However, when sexual behaviours begin to encroach on other parts of someone’s life and start getting in the way of other important things, it can become problematic, even if the behaviour itself is legal and otherwise not causing harm. This can include interfering with work, with leisure activities, with one’s romantic, social, or familial relationships, with one’s ability to concentrate, with one’s physical health, or with one’s peace of mind.
When sexual behaviour starts interfering with these things, it is often a sign that the behaviour is becoming compulsive. This can include both partnered sexual behaviour or solo sexual behaviour, including pornography use. Often, people who struggle with compulsive sexual behaviour find that the behaviour is simply taking up too much space in the “pie chart” of their lives, and has persisted despite efforts to cut back. They often feel that the behaviour has started to control them, rather than them controlling the behaviour.
(6) The Behaviour Is Engaged in in Inappropriate Settings or Contexts
Any sexual behaviours that are done in public are problematic, and may violate the law. Further, engaging in sexual behaviours in other inappropriate places (e.g., at a workplace, in the presence of others who are unaware and non-consenting, in the presence of people too young to consent to sex) are also problematic and may also violate the law. When such behaviours are repetitive, it’s often a sign the behaviour has become compulsive.
(7) The Behaviour Causes Physical and Emotional Distress
If sexual behaviour is causing you or your sexual partner significant emotional distress (e.g., shame, guilt, anxiety, dissociation), this is likely a sign that something about the behaviour is problematic. In addition, if sexual behaviour is causing you or your sexual partner(s) physical pain or distress that is not desired, but the behaviour persists, that is also a sign that the behaviour is problematic.
When to Seek Professional Assistance
To sum up, if you think your sexual behaviour, or that of a loved one…
- Involves activities that are non-consensual,
- Involves activities with inappropriate partners,
- Involves activities in inappropriate places,
- Is interfering with your daily life and/or peace of mind,
- Or is causing distress for you and/or your sexual partner(s),
It may be time to seek professional assistance.
Help is Available
If you have noticed problematic sexual behaviours in yourself or a loved one, it is important to know that help is available. Even if you’re not quite sure if your or a loved one’s sexual behaviour is problematic, professional assistance can help you determine if intervention is warranted.
At Eagle Landing Psychological Services, we offer assessment and treatment designed to assist individuals in gaining a deeper understanding of their sexual behaviour problems and in developing skills for managing them successfully. Should you or your loved ones have any further questions about when sexual behaviour becomes problematic, you can reach out to us directly, and share this blog post with others who you think may benefit from it. Please know professional assistance is available, if ever and whenever it’s needed.
