Consent is a crucial aspect of fostering healthy, secure, and respectful sexual and romantic relationships. At its heart, consent is about making sure that both parties taking part in something have a clear understanding of what they are doing, and freely agree to do it.
Common conceptions of consent included ideas such as “no means no,” and we often hear the phrase “informed consent,” but what exactly does that mean? And is that all there is to know? Though consent is a term we frequently encounter in our everyday lives, it’s a multilayered concept that deserves to be examined carefully.
Informed Consent: Beyond “Yes” and “No”
To understand informed consent, it’s helpful to consider a lower level of agreement that is sometimes mistaken for consent: assent. “Assent” is simply saying “yes” to something, and anyone can provide their assent for something to happen. For example, a 10-year-old child can provide their assent to a dentist starting to clean their teeth, and someone with a profound intellectual disability can provide their assent to someone helping them open a bank account.
However, assent is not the same thing as consent. In the case of a 10-year-old at the dentist, the people providing the informed consent for the procedure are the child’s parents. The legal guardian for the person with the intellectual disability is providing their informed consent for opening the bank account. That’s because both the parents and the legal guardian are actually able to comprehend the true nature of what’s being agreed to, and truly understand the consequences of saying “yes” or “no.” That is informed consent.
Informed consent is distinguished from assent by what needs to be communicated and understood before consent can be provided, and this also extends to our sexual relationships.
An easy way to remember what needs to be in place before consent for sexual activity is given is the acronym FRIES.
For someone to consent to sex, their agreement must be understood by them and the other person to be…
F – freely given. Consent is agreeing to something without being pressured, guilted, forced, or manipulated into it.
R – reversible. Consent can be withdrawn at any time during a sexual encounter.
I – informed. Consent requires that both parties have a reasonable understanding of what is being agreed to, and the possible consequences of saying “yes” or “no.”
E – enthusiastic. Consent to sex should not be passive, begrudging, or reluctantly given; it should be enthusiastically given.
S – specific. Consenting to one type of activity (e.g., kissing, oral sex) does not mean that consent is automatically given for other kinds of activity (e.g., intercourse).
What Consent is Not
When communication lacks clarity, it can be challenging to determine if consent has truly been granted. Here are some examples of coercion, which does not represent true consent:
- Silence or no responses. Just because someone doesn’t say “no” or remains silent to a question does not mean they are saying “yes.”
- Relenting under pressure. When a person feels intimidated or forced into agreeing to do something, they are being coerced into agreeing, and this is not consent.
- Incapacitation: If an individual is asleep, under the influence of substances, or otherwise impaired—such as having a condition that affects their ability to comprehend situations or make decisions—they are unable to provide consent.
- Vague words and body language: Consent must be affirmative, enthusiastic, and unmistakable. If a person’s body language contradicts their verbal communication, it’s wrong to assume they have consented.
- Lack of information: To give consent, one must understand what they are agreeing to. If important details are not fully communicated, informed consent cannot be given.
- Assumed consent: You cannot assume someone is comfortable with an activity, sexual or otherwise, based on their appearance, behaviour, clothing, or other characteristics. They must explicitly agree to the activity.
- Past consent: Agreeing to something once does not mean it will always be agreed upon again. Consent must be given every single time individuals participate in an activity together.
How Power Dynamics Affect Consent
Consent for sex must be given freely, meaning it cannot truly exist if someone feels they lack a genuine, free choice. Power imbalances can create situations where sexual consent cannot truly be given. When someone feels that their saying “yes” or “no” to having sex may have other consequences outside of their decision to have sex (e.g., not getting a promotion, getting fired, being harmed, being exploited), they are not able to give true informed consent. Here are some examples of power dynamics that can complicate, and even sometimes make informed consent to sex impossible:
- Large age differences (especially when one party is very young, naive, and impressionable)
- Workplace hierarchies (such as managers and employees)
- Sports hierarchies (such as coaches and players)
- Financial dependency (where one party feels pressure to oblige another because the other party holds financial power over them)
- Immigration status (where one party feels pressure to oblige another because that party could impact their immigration status)
- Other hierarchies (such as teachers and students, faith leaders and parishioners)
Why Consent Can Be Confusing
Consent is a complex topic primarily because of the varying perceptions of what it entails. This confusion can stem from several factors, including:
- Lack of education and awareness. Many individuals do not receive adequate education about sexual consent from their families, schools, or other environments where these discussions should occur.
- Misunderstandings. The concept of consent is complex, particularly in sexual relationships. People may mistakenly believe that certain ambiguous situations imply consent when they do not.
- Cultural differences. Different cultures and regions hold diverse beliefs and legal standards regarding what defines sexual consent and when it is necessary.
- Power imbalances. In relationships where one person holds more power—such as between an employer and an employee—the less powerful individual may feel compelled to consent to sexual activity they are uncomfortable with due to feelings of obligation, guilt, or fear. This dynamic complicates the recognition of genuine consent and can make it difficult for the consenting individual to feel secure.
Do You Need Further Guidance on Coercion vs. Consent?
Consent is a vital part of our daily lives, and a clear understanding of consent, and the regular practice of obtaining consent in our sexual and romantic lives makes everyone safer. Embracing consent involves open, honest communication, and a commitment to respecting and understanding the boundaries of others. In various contexts—be it personal relationships, online interactions, or within society—consent fosters a safer, more respectful, and more fair environment for all.
If you need further support in regards to matters relating to consent, boundaries, or communication, please reach out to us at Eagle Landing Psychological Services. We provide services that can help individuals gain clarity, knowledge, and understanding of consent and its importance in our everyday lives. For anyone wanting further information about how we can help, you can reach out to us below.
